I can’t imagine what I would have thought a year or two ago had I known that my life would be moving in the direction it is currently going. I have always tried to be flexible, open-minded, and above all – honest with myself about who I really am, how I treat others and where I fit in to it all.
I can’t for the sake of privacy get into too much detail about what exactly going on with me but as usual I’ll be all enigmatic about it.
I think it’s interesting how in certain situations I will now almost everything I need to about a person before I have every spoken a single word to them. Geo would say I am being overprotective and I should just as he says “go with the flow” I think in reality he has a tough time grasping my reasons and therefore feels I should dismiss them in the hopes we’ll both be happier. I have to follow my heart as well as my brain. Sometimes they go in two different directions and usually, in that case, I follow my brain. It has always guided me. Recently … I’ve discovered something wonderful. Something that both frightens me and delights me. I have been so careful as to not overturn the delicate balance that I haven’t spent enough time appreciating the beauty of what it could possibly mean for me, let alone my well being. My closest advisers are telling me with great consistency that I should relax, be myself. That the real me, the one I keep so tightly locked up that only about two or three know me really well, is worth knowing and that person is the one that will impress such charm and exude such wonderful qualities that I need not worry so much.
the bottom line is that I’ve been alone … relationship wise, for so long that I have had repressed any hopes or desires of ever finding someone and on a subconscious level I might have blocked any opportunity of it ever happening. With one notable exception: The Great Blunder. In the case of The Great Blunder, I gave it my all and then some and yet it still was not good enough. Knowing full-well that it was going to end in disaster I still gave it my all. I guess you could say that I intentionally ran that endeavor to the ground because I wanted full responsibility of its failure to rest on the other party. I put so much more into it than I should have so I, me, &, myself can look back with great honor and know it was not my fault. Some people say that the loss rested squarely on the other party and to that I finally agree.
So in the delicateness of this next great thing … I am being careful and allowing for small details in the hopes that the greater good will come through.
I felt something … I can’t describe it and no, I do not say and feel the same way about all .. somehow this is different … I just hope in its difference it turns out with a different result that has in the past.
I know this made no sense to most of you … it was intended that way …
Peace, Love, & Understanding,