Archive for December, 2008

Breaking It Down

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

Dear World,

Christmas was good. Even though it came down to crunch time and almost last minute before I figured out what I was to get Brett, in the end it all came together.

This was the eigth Christmas give or take that I have spent with no “significant other” to share it with but then it again in one significant way it was the closest I’ve ever had. Upon reflection I should have given up on that one great thing that held me in suspension for these years passed. However, I’ve never been one to live too much in the past and I shan’t begin to now.

I’ve finally got a cell phone … got it activated, and got it paid up for ya whole year. I refuse though, to become one of those indecent people who can’t seem to get the thing unstuck from their ear, or worse yet walk around swearing to God and country they’re cool with the thing stuck in their ear talking into thin air. I refuse! However, I do feel a bit more free and as I get older my sense of freedom wanes. I constantly have to figure out a way to convince another human that they should take me somewhere or do something for me when in my mind and my heart I just want to do as I please and to hell with anyone else. For example, I would love more than anything to make a trip to Pennsylvania at least twice a year especially now that I’ve got a huge reason to be there but I cannot. I’m going to be eternally fortunate to get there once let alone once a year.

Things at the shop are in limbo. On the one hand I know I just need to get word out there to advertise and relieve Paul of his responsibilities but I can’t seem to save enough funds to get the word out in a huge way. Once I have a buffer of funds I have to worries in my ability to do what I do and to make it successful. It’s just this whole limbo thing. I’m afraid if something isn’t done soon I might have to just collect my things and say goodbye to it. Which I hate because I hate working at home. I hate it because it’s not my house and therefore I’ve got to bow to others, and I hate it because when I work at home there’s no way for me to separate my life from my work. There is no stark black and white … it’s just all freaking gray.

The other thing that has got me ping-ponging back and forth I cannot discuss here. This is not the place. Oh, that reminds me … I am not the one to come to for advice anymore. I don’t want to hear it. I give and I give and I give and very, very few EVER heed it. So I’m done. Unless you’re asking about a computer and paying me for my time, I’m not interested anymore. So that’s that.

I picked up Brett’s guitar the other day. I plugged it into my Randall and ran my effects array. I hadn’t seriously played any form of guitar in a long while. There was a period of about twenty minutes when Geo was up for a visit but before then it had been months. I came up with this song that was sad and angry. It sounded to me as though my voice were sounding through the ringing out of those six thin nickel strings. Why am I so tormented? Why can’t I just be happy with my life? Why must I think I am missing something? Don’t feel the need to answer that all those where questions of the rhetorical nature.

Peace, Love, & Understanding,