Lament Reprise.

Dear World,

I’m not sure about the title of this entry but I’m going to leave it anyhow. I understand that I don’t make sense most of the time in the things I write here. In fact, I try very hard to cycle between sense and nonsense – it’s not always so easy.

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to leave my last entry in tact as it is and try to rewrite my message in this one.

The message? Oh dear, God!

Yes, I actually tried to hide something in there that only makes sense to myself and one other person and it gets kind of foggy if you’re out of the loop.

I have changed since the now infamous trip to Atlanta. I knew I would but what I didn’t know was how. It now seems so long ago and do many things have happened since then that I honestly remember it as a fog. That’s good because I was so pissed off over the entire thing that I needed to recoup my mental investment in the thing. I have let it all go. I have trashed the entire idea that was supposed to come from the singular meeting that never transpired. While I don’t think of her much any longer and her very name I have sworn to be obscene to this very day I do feel that those who are close to me feel as though they’re cheated.

You’re not cheated … I have simply reverted back in a sense to who I was before my heart and mind were clouded with a fake relationship built on fake ideals and hollow intentions. I have hardened my soul and erected the infamous wall.  That wall is a filter. If you are somehow able to glimpse behind it and peer through a crack and you are intrigued as to what’s there, then you must earn passage beyond it.

In the recent months I have allowed something so wonderful to happen that I have thrown myself for a loop and while I enjoy this new thing … this thing I have been denied for so many years, I am still afraid of it. I’m afraid of the history it may become. I hope the history this thing writes for itself is now in the beginning of a wonderful story, I hope somehow beyond all obstacles I have place in the path between this thing and myself that it will thrive. I can’t see past the present state to understand how that may be and that’s the part that scares me but I trust it. I trust that this thing is bigger than I and I must, in order to grow as a human, allow it to lead me in its direction. That’s a pretty tall order for a guy who must be in control of his own life, who absolutely hates letting people in on his vulnerabilities.

I’m pretty lucky I think, I’ve got a best freind who has been known to describe the relationship we have this way: I’m the brother he never had and he is the brother after I lost my own.” Geo has done and stood by me over things he himself didn’t understand but trusted and cared enough not to do anything else but to be there.

I’ve got at least one person out there who I know is so much like me it’s almost spooky (in the most wonderfyl and completely pleasant way)

None of you have bothered me about any of this. I think now y’all are happy to see me post something, anything. I apreciate the respect you’re giving me and I can’t help but wonder why I’m tourmented on one hand feeling compelled to write about what’s on my mind and the other to push everyone who reads it away. I’m in the process of trying to figure this out. and I know once I get to a place in my mind where it’s sorted and properly placed I’ll move on and just deal with it but it’s been something I am so not used to.

One more thing … recently I have been told that since I don’t say much and in particular certain things that much, that my words carry more wieght. Somehow my thoughts and words are more powerful … meaningful rather, than what they would be on their own. I never thought of that before but to know someone feels that way about what I have to say it’s hugely wonderful. (brb I have to go smell something)

O.K. anyhow … this entry was written well after midnight but you’re not reading it until sometime Friday … so I’m pretty darned sleepy.

Peace, Love, & Understanding,

Bug